Top 8 Most Inaccurate Car Names

Until recently, I hadn’t owned a car since I was in high school. As such, I hadn’t devoted much attention to the various names and models that we all see on the road, daily. But lately, as I’ve sort of inherited a vehicle that makes other drivers gawk and laugh at me, I’ve become acutely aware that most model names are completely misleading, if not total lies.

1) The Buick Regal- There’s absolutely nothing regal about driving a fucking Buick. In fact, if you’ve purchased a Buick in the hopes of seeming regal, I’m pretty sure that you’ve already resigned yourself to a life of unregalness.  Though, to be fair, perhaps Buick had a different genre of car buyer in mind when they finally decided on Regal. You know, the kind of guy that shows up at the dealership wearing a Burger King crown and a t-shirt that reads: The King of Crappy Car Owners! 

2) The Dodge Dart- Seems like a misnomer on two counts. I’ve never driven a Dart, but the machine seems a bit clunky, like it couldn’t dodge or dart a large building if it had to. It certainly didn’t dodge or dart away from a stupid, repetitious name.

3) The Chevrolet El Camino- El Camino translates from spanish to “the road.” If you want your “road” to translate into “only one passenger and shitty gas mileage,” then this is the car for you. Enjoy riding with your only friend while you both consume the rest of the Earth’s oil resources!

4) The Volkswagen Golf- Who knows what the fuck these crazy Germans were thinking! If you want to sell golf carts to lazy Americans, you have to label them “Golf Cart.” I don’t speak German, but I can pretty much guarantee that Volkswagen Golf doesn’t directly translate into Golf Cart. Which is shamefully misleading. They look like golf carts. And everyone who drives one looks like they play golf.

5) The AMC Gremlin- I swear to God I saw a Gremlin on the road the other day. As a child of the eighties, I instinctually threw water on it to see if was a true Gremlin. Unfortunately, this Gremlin didn’t transform into a tiny, evil monster that reproduces at will and terrorizes small towns during Christmas. Dissapointingly, the car retained it’s same bizzare shape and ridiculous color scheme.

6) The Ford Focus- The irony is that anybody who has any fucking focus at all doesn’t buy a Ford Focus. Are there car buyers who can’t think outside the box and imagine a scenario where they’re still alive three years down the road? Because that’s about the time that your shitty Ford Focus is going to stop running and you’ll be hitching rides to work.

7) The GMC Yukon- The Yukon is a Canadian Territory that lies between the Northwest Territory and Alaska. From my experience, no one who owns or drives a Yukon has ever driven to or been in either Canada or Alaska. The GMC Yukon was designed specifically for trips to Hardee’s and Bed, Bath, and Beyond. Who knew?! The brilliant minds at GMC, that’s who. Sometimes driving through the tree-lined, spacious streets of an American suburb requires a car bigger than your house!

8 ) The Pontiac Firebird- The Firebird might have once been a respectable car in the sixties, during it’s first run. However, for those of us who grew up during it’s 80s and 90s reincarnation period, it was laughable at best.  Slapping a large illustrated bird on the hood of your muscle car made it neither fiery or capable of flight. On the other hand, the car was particularly adept at conjuring mullets, stone-washed jeans, and Bachman-Turner Overdrive cassette tapes.

Chuckblog wonders if www.scottbrundage.com would rather drive a Batmobile or a solid gold Waverunner?

So what else?

Metal, Goths, Vodka, and Vomit

As you might have deduced from last night’s post, this morning was one of those mornings when I walk into the bathroom, took a good, long look at myself in the mirror and ask the question “Chuck, what the hell is wrong with you?”

Last night, I was chilling on the couch watching a documentary on the Vice Lords street gang, planning on getting a good night’s sleep in preparation for final paper writing all day today. When the documentary ended, an idea popped into my head - ‘Chuck, you should do the exact opposite of going to bed early and getting a good night’s rest’. I laced up my sneakers and headed out on a quest of stupidity.

If all te raindrops were lemon drops and gumdrops

so tonight wasa social experiment. i was pretty much ready to got to bed, then decided to walk to the nearest bar ant get as drunk as possible. this bar was weird. there wwere some crazy goth bands playing the whole time. a lead singer was wearing eye makeup and shit. i dunno, just wasn’t my scene. fairfax VA really sucks. someone threw up all over the dudes bathroom, so we all had to use thewomen’s. it was weird for a trilosecond, but then it made perfect sense. so what else?

Disheveled Guy: A Middle-Aged Embodiment of Chuckblog

When I sat down on the bus for the shitty last leg of my hour+ commute home from work yesterday, I watched two men in suits board the vehicle. I was seated at the front half of the bus where seats line the perimeter, and one of the men sat beside me while the other sat directly across from him. Although both dressed in business formal attire, the two men had starkly different appearances. The man sitting next to me looked shabby. His top button was undone while his cheap tie hung down a solid inch from his collar. Complemented by his wrinkled gray suit, 5 o’clock shadow, and slightly messy hair, the man looked like a disheveled professional, in stark contrast to his immaculately dressed counterpart.

Unsuitable Theme Songs for the Life of Chuck: Bon Jovi’s “Wanted Dead or Alive”

Whenever Bon Jovi’s “Wanted Dead or Alive” (WDoA) begins playing over my car radio, I can’t help but slouch down in my seat, commence with the notorious one-handed-steering-wheel-grip, and put on my best Snake Pliskin facial expression.

I mean, who doesn’t feel like a badass when listening to the song? For those of you unfamiliar with the lyrics…

Fear and Loathing in Philadelphia: Penn Relays, Animal Farm, and Punk Rock

The Penn Relays Track and Field Meet - arguably the greatest track meet in the world - took place this past weekend at the University of Pennsylvania in Philadelphia. Being a former competitive runner, I made it a point to mark my calender months in advance in anticipation of the phenomenal event. Penn Relays has everything that a running fan could hope for in a track meet; exciting races, a historic setting, and an energetic crowd. The meet is sure to be an absolute blast for followers of the sport.

Although I was in Philly for the entire weekend, I didn’t watch a single race. Now that I think about it, I didn’t even see the stadium. Come on people, I’ve got better things to do than hang out at a fucking track meet. What better things, you ask? Seeing a puppet show and punk band of course!

So what else?

Interview With A Scoundrel: Gully

Most people try to avoid associating with degenerates, thieves, and liars, but my pal, Gully, is way too entertaining to ignore. A mutual friend of ours once asserted, “I wouldn’t even lend that guy my bike to ride around the block”. A law school graduate who relocated to San Francisco two years ago, Gully was living on $2 a day until he snagged a job with a bike messenger service. In the past year, he was released from the position and collected unemployment from the Federal Government. Even Scottbrundage.com never stooped that low. So let’s see what’s new in the world of “scoundrelling”…

ZOMG!!!!!!!!!1111

Johnny 5 is alive!!! Chuck is mad busy at work, but you can enjoy this non-scottbrundage.com masterpiece (thanks Mocku!).  I’ve got some good shit lined up for the rest of this week though, so tune in for more.