Vampire Love: Failed Attempt at Interviewing the Undead

Last week I mentioned a special guest interview in store for chuckblog. Unfortunately, it fell through.

My original plan for the interview was a one-on-one chat with the undead. You might be asking yourself, “How was Chuck possibly planning on interviewing the undead?” which is the same question that I pondered for a while.

Would I need to be in a graveyard at night? Would the interview subject be a vampire, zombie, or some other creature? Should a priest be on hand? Will danger be involved? Can http://www.scottbrundage.com/ provide any assistance? My mind was caught in a whirlwind of confusion – I felt like Luke Skywalker attempting to learn the ways of the force from Yoda in the swamps of Dagobah.

I then took a step back and realized that I personally know a member of the undead world. They’re all around us actually, but most people fail to realize the true nature of the species. Who is this mysterious creature of the night, you ask?

My ex-girlfriend, obviously.

Former companions are essentially soulless, undead creatures; commonly known to suck the life force of their unknowing victims without any sense of remorse. Ex-girlfriends/boyfriends become “undead” after a breakup, as they remain living, breathing creatures, yet become non-entities to the opposing party.  

Thanks to the glorious power of gmail, I was able to tap into the netherworld and contact my ex-girlfriend, Laura. Laura and I dated for about two years while we were undergraduates. I consider our breakup kind of nasty, considering the fact that she wrote me a letter calling me something along the lines of a “vile, despicable creature” when we parted ways. This shows that the undead, ex-companion status works both ways; I’m as much of a non-living creature to her as she is to me.

After not speaking to Laura in the last year and a half, here is the e-mail that made first contact:

Hi Laura,

I know we haven’t spoken in quite a while, and the last time we did, you requested that we never again communicate. However, I was wondering if you might be willing to help me out with something. Once it’s done, I can quietly disappear from your life for good (I promise). I guess you could get the same result by just saying no or not responding to this e-mail, but we are still facebook friends – that counts for something in my book.

I recently started this blog (chuckblog.wordpress.com), which details my experiences as a member of this ‘alternative dating site’ called gothscene.com . My life has clearly taken a hilarious turn for the worse ever since we broke up.   

Anyway, I was hoping to interview you for the site. You’re a great writer…it would probably turn out hilarious. Let me know if you’d be down. Thanks a lot Laurz, and let me know how everything is going.

Best,

Charlie

Believe it or not, she actually replied!

Even more surprising, it was a cordial reply!

Unfortunately, she declined from an interview

Laura gave me a pretty extensive update on her life though. Finishing up her second year of law school, she just nailed a summer internship at a solid NYC firm. She’s been travelling quite a bit, planning more trips in the near future. Formerly a staunch, progressive-hating republican, she actually plans to vote Democrat in the upcoming presidential election. Her family and friends are doing really well, and she ended the e-mail by wishing good luck to chuckblog. Overall, life sounds great for Laura, and I really am happy for her. Props Laurz!

Although unable to provide for chuckblog, I learned some pretty valuable lessons in my failed attempt at contacting the undead:

1. Catching up with an ex can be a positive, enlightening experience.
2. Contrary to popular belief, law school fails to turn all of its students into monsters devoid of compassion.
3. Friendship status on facebook.com really doesn’t mean much.
4. Unlike most horror films or books that detail an unstoppable zombie apocalypse, an effective cure exists for turning the undead back to human beings with souls: progressive politics. 

Tune in for more tales of Vampire Love.

Chuckblog loves you more than its firstborn child, tell all your friends and family!