Captain Sloppy

I just realized that I look pretty horrendous today at work.

There are 5 major problems with my attire:

Slacks: I bought this particular pair of slacks from the Gap a couple of years ago, and from what I remember at the time of purchase, they fit quite nicely. Since then, they seem to have lost considerable room in both length and width. Not only are they tight, but a noticeable gap exists between my shoes and the end of the pants. The modified size forces me to either pull them down low enough to fall at a reasonable point on my shoes, or wear them at normal hip-height and walk around with high waters. Considering the fact that the former makes me look like a business casual version of Eminem, I’ve committed to the latter. This leads into my next problem…

Socks: All of my black dress socks were dirty, so I opted for low-cut white athletic socks. Due to the high slack situation, the sloppy white material is clearly visible for all to see. Since the socks are cut so low, my ankle flesh is also exposed.

Shirt: My best friend Ivan and I have a running joke about the poor quality fit of Men’s Warehouse dress clothes. MC Hammer’s fashion influence seems to have had a strong influence on the company’s clothing cut, as everything is idiotically baggy.
Unfortunately for me, I’m wearing one of their dress shirts today. The shirt’s Hefty-bag-like fit provides a hideous contrast to my short, tight slacks. I feel like some sort of medieval jester, clad in tights and a loose fitting gown for comedic purposes. Oh, and the button on my left cuff is missing. Rather than let it flap in the wind, I secured it with scotch tape.

Tie: I’ve been wearing this same tie for the past three days. If this were middle school, I would be the laughing stock of recess for my inability to constantly vary my clothing for strictly superficial purposes. I’m hoping no one actually notices.

Hair: After showering this morning, I quickly dressed and ran out the door with slightly damp hair. I was quickly hit by the cold wind blowing over the frozen wasteland that is Fairfax, VA in February. As I was waiting for my bus, I was left with no choice but to put on my winter hat. The hat matted down my damp hair into odd patterns, creating hat hair from hell. Also, I haven’t shaved in three days. Although my facial hair doesn’t grow that quickly, its current status is long enough to make me look unprofessional.

Any one of these factors alone would make a person look unkempt, but like Captain Planet’s ring-bearing minions, their combined effort creates one incredibly sloppy employee.

SLACKS!

SHIRT!

SOCKS!

TIE!

HAIR!

CAPTAAAIIINNN SLOPPY!