What’s Wrong With This Girl?!

As I mentioned in yesterday’s post, I’ve been “seeing” a girl of the non-undead variety over the past few weeks. We met a few years ago through a mutual friend and she recently moved to DC for graduate school. The fact that a relatively sane female is expressing some interest in me is a strange, perturbing development. She’s intelligent, attractive, personable, wholesome, and hygienic, while I failed to snag a date off of gothscene.com…something just doesn’t add up.

I’ve been expending a fair amount of mental energy analyzing this girl’s bizarre entrance into my life. Can I really handle a relationship with a normal human being? To tackle this nearly unfathomable question, I’ve devised some pros and cons with respect to her character and lifestyle. Hopefully they will help gauge the feasibility of our companionship.

PROS

She’s pursuing a master’s degree in mathematics and statistics

Her quantitative expertise could lead to meaningful discussions regarding time travel, teleportation, and the physics of light-speed space travel, all of which are phenomenal topics for any comic-book-loving geek. Her undergraduate thesis was titled “Zero Divisors and Units in Finite Rings”. I have absolutely no clue what that means, but I’m hoping it has something to do with the plot of the video game, Halo.

She lives in a sweet apartment in DC, has her own room, and owns a flat screen television with a premium cable plan

These living conditions starkly contrast with my residence in Fairfax VA, room-share with another adult male to lower rent, and possession of a 25 inch television from 1987 with only basic cable.

The premium cable alone is enough to stimulate my love. She has the “On Demand” package, which allows me to watch some of my favorite movies at no cost. Thus far, these have included: Commando; Army of Darkness; Short Circuit; Short Circuit 2; and Repo Man. I recently discovered the Sci-Fi film selections, which should add a whole new dimension to the relationship.

She’s taller than I am

Most men would be embarrassed by the physically dominant feature, but I find it hilarious. Her height exceeds mine by a mere quarter of an inch, if even that, but it’s just enough to notice a slight size differential. There’s nothing I love more than self-deprecation, and the height issue is just that.

She puts up with my stupidity

On Friday night I got blackout drunk and told her that I never wanted to speak to her again. I then made her watch the movie Stargate until 2:30 in the morning. She was all smiles the next day, harboring no anger towards my moronic behavior.

She’s socially awkward

We were at a party and someone broke out the game Scattegories. Not knowing anyone, I dreaded the embarrassment that would accompany my turn in the game. Right before my social downfall, she grabbed me and said “I really don’t want to play this. I’m going to embarrass myself.” We were the only two people who refused to play, standing by ourselves in the corner not talking to anyone but each other.

She’s possibly a female terminator

Ever since the premiere of the Sarah Connor Chronicles, I’ve been dreaming of having a female terminator around for protection. Who wouldn’t want an attractive, emotionless killer as his girlfriend?

The other day I stuck my tongue out at her as we were sitting around her apartment. Rather than return the immature gesture, she wrinkled her brow and questioned the motive behind my expression. Her inability to grasp the playful nature of my action could mean only one thing: she is a nearly indestructible machine created by Skynet, reprogrammed and sent back in time by future Chuck to protect present Chuck as he tries to halt the impending machine apocalypse.

CONS

She likes to live the high life

Under my definition, the “high life” is characterized by comfortable living conditions, designer clothing, good food, fine alcohol, and various other refined aspects of life. Choosing freedom over money, I chose to cast off such pleasantries many years ago. I cannot afford such things for myself, let alone another individual. With that being said, hopefully she doesn’t mind that I share a room, wear cheap clothes, frequent scottbrundage.com, starve myself, and drink shitty vodka.

She sometimes fails to understand my geeky side

On our first date, I told her about my dream tattoo – a half-sleeve based on the sandworms from the Sci-Fi masterpiece Dune. I was met with a look of disgust.

During another instance, we were enjoying a couple of drinks at Toledo Lounge in Adams Morgan when I asked her a simple, yet crucial question: “Would you rather survive a nuclear or zombie apocalypse?” She failed to see the merit of surviving in either scenario, and responded “I’d rather die before either one happened.” How am I supposed to date a girl who doesn’t share my passion in killing nuclear-transformed mutants and zombies?

She cooks delicious food and insists that I eat it

Although this seems like a great attribute of a girlfriend, it makes getting drunk much more difficult and expensive.

She has standards and actually sticks to them

They will eventually doom the relationship, as she will wake up one morning and realize that she is dating a parasite.

She reads this blog

After seeing this post, she will probably never speak to me again.

Taking these pros and cons into account, she seems like a pretty cool girl. I think I’ll give it a shot!

Chuckblog loves you more than Master Chief. Come back to me!