“Lil’ Gibraltar” takes the victory in the Chuck Full O’Blog Contest: Name My Flask!

The official Chuck Full O’Blog contest – Name My Flask – has reached a thrilling finale, with “Lil’ Gibraltar”, submitted by Sans Underwear, taking the win! Thank you to everyone who participated, as the submitted entries were highly amusing.

I initially formed a panel of 20 degenerate judges to determine the flask’s winning name. Unsurprisingly, 18 of the 20 told me to go screw myself.

My pal Gully was one of the two responding judges, pushing for Carl Winslow as the champion. Naming my flask after the loving father from Family Matters would be comical, but something about his status as a husky cop just doesn’t sit right with me.

I was forced to base the decision on my other judge – the biggest low-life of all bottom feeders.

Tommy “Crab” Howell ultimately decided on “Lil’ Gibraltar” as the victor.

You might be asking yourself “What the hell does “Lil’ Gibraltar” even mean? Has Chuck gone insane for allowing this madman “Crab” to choose the winning name for his firstborn?”

Allow me to clear up these two conundrums.

Most people associate the term “Gibraltar” with a British territory located near the southernmost tip of the Iberian Peninsula. The word has a much more sacred meaning to a group of 20-something-year-old guys with collegiate ties to the District of Columbia. “The Gibraltar” is the name bestowed upon a very special apartment building on the corner of 18th street and Kalorama Road in Northwest DC.

One of the building’s two-bedroom, top-floor apartments became a meeting place for a wide network of scoundrels over a near two year period. The physical space enabled us to venture onto a kind of deranged spiritual journey. Although I wasn’t one of the 3 actual leaseholders, I was considered a major cast member in Gibraltar’s twisted, audience-less reality show.

Typically, 4 out of 7 deadly sins were committed on any given night in the apartment. Alcohol was the drink of choice; music played loud and constant; sleep deprivation the norm; surfaces and floors covered in filth; vomit spewed regularly; scottbrundage.com the favored website; nudity accepted and encouraged. As a general rule, morals were checked in at the door.

Most people consider their high school or college years to be the best times of life, but for me Gibraltar takes the win. A flask named Lil’ Gibraltar brings me back to those beautiful times with each sip of shitty, gag-inducing vodka.

So about this man Crab.

Tommy was one of Gibraltar’s 3 brave leaseholders. The nickname “Crab” was coined at about 3:00am one weekend morning, when I arrived at the apartment to crash on either floor or couch after a night of excessive drinking. Accompanying me was Mike Smith, one of Gibraltar’s other permanent residents.

Walking through the front door, we were greeted by music blasting in a brightly lit, seemingly-empty apartment. Upon further inspection, we found Tommy passed out on the floor of his room.

Tommy didn’t own a bed while living in Gibraltar. He put a thin pad down on the floor for sleep, but magazines, CDs and a pile of other shit eventually prevented any actual use. The floor became his posturepedic.

Upon walking into the room intoxicated and seeing Tommy passed out on the floor, Mike and I deemed it necessary to start kicking him in the legs and chest. Our blows startled him out of the deep slumber, and he made multiple attempts to stand up and defend himself. His inebriated state turned the simple task of standing up into an impossible venture, and he crumbled onto his back with each failed try.

Finally, Tommy just gave up in attempting the impossible. He remained on his back, propped himself up on all fours, scuttled at us like a crab, and launched violent kicks in our direction. We ran away, narrowly missing bloody doom by crab-kick.

Obviously, Tommy cannot remember the incident and denies it ever taking place, but Mike Smith and I will always remember the epic fight against the deadly Crab.

With this little introduction, I would like to formally welcome Tommy as an official contributor to Chuckblog. Expect to hear some crabtastic stories and reflections from him within the future.

Chuckblog loves you more than the Iberian Peninsula.