How To Ruin Easter Sunday In 7 Easy Steps

Considering ourselves a relatively devout Catholic household, ‘Chuckfamily’ gets pretty pumped to celebrate Easter Sunday. Although this blog might point to the contrary, I at least try to maintain some degree of moral purity in the face of great evil. Participation in holy days of obligation is the backbone of my spiritual facade, with Easter taking a high priority in the pathetic attempt at redemption.

Traditionally, my family celebrates Jesus Christ’s Resurrection through the following activities: 7:30am mass; brunch; a family Easter egg hunt; and afternoon relaxation while enjoying one another’s company.

On Easter Sunday this past weekend, our day was slightly different:

• My “girlfriend” joined me and my family for the festivities.
• Rather than spend the day on Long Island – as per usual – we ventured into the Upper West Side of NYC for an Easter at my sister (Tiffany) and her boyfriend’s (Adam) apartment.
• I got blackout drunk and made a fool of myself, my family and my girlfriend in public, ruining Easter for the entire group.

Rather than recap this wonderful day in the typical narrative format, I’d like to provide a detailed, step-by-step guide on how to ruin Easter:

1. Stay up till at least 3am the night before and miss morning Mass

Since attending mass is the only real requirement for a holy day of obligation, there’s no better way of saying “I’m a terrible Catholic” than failing to accomplish this one, simple objective. I’d bet my crucifix that God considers an Easter Sunday filled with sex and drugs, but including one hour of mass, more holy than spending the entire day at a soup kitchen feeding the homeless.

Ideally, the late night should be devoted to a mindless activity, such as surfing scottbrundage.com or watching Saved by the Bell reruns. It would be pointless to wake up in the morning in a good mood from a fun-filled night.

2. When you do finally wake up, make your presence as unpleasant as possible

This step should be fairly easy to accomplish as long as you stay up late enough, forcing irritability through sleep deprivation. Refuse to smile at friends and family, and complain as often as possible. On the car ride from Long Island into Manhattan, I barely spoke to anyone – girlfriend included. When we finally got to Tiff and Adam’s apartment, I sat on the couch and gave my best angry-goth teenager impression. At the age of 24, the behavior is pathetic at best.

3. Immediately prior to brunch, overdose on caffeine

When the early afternoon rolls around, snapping out of the tired, bitter state is critical for ruining the rest of the day. Drink the biggest, strongest cup of coffee available. If you’re not a big fan of coffee, amphetamines work just as well.

4. Consume as much alcohol as humanly possible during brunch

Being strung out on caffeine or speed, you should be ready to rock entering brunch. My family foolishly chose a restaurant that offered a $12, all-you-can-drink champagne/mimosa/bloody mary/screwdriver special. When the waitress set down each glass of vodka and orange juice in front of me, I would try to pound it down before she left the table. Why not save the woman some trips to the bar? I recommend consuming 5-8 alcoholic beverages over the approximate hour-long meal. You know you’re on target when family members are begging you to slow down, and your girlfriend attempts to rip the screwdriver from your hand.

5. Embarrass your family in public

If brunch proceeds according to plan, you should be stumbling from the restaurant, hopefully with visible traces of urine on your pants. Now it’s time to push the boundaries of unconditional love. Harass anything that walks within a 30 foot perimeter of your person, whether the victim be man, woman, child, or animal.

My sister and girlfriend stopped in a Rite-Aid to buy something and instructed me to wait outside. After about 2 minutes of patience, I entered the packed store, approached the woman behind the counter, and demanded that she page my 11 year old niece “Tiffany” who was missing somewhere in the aisles. Since the woman could barely understand my incoherent babble, she made the rookie mistake of letting me make the announcement over the store’s PA system.

Clutching the phone, I began slurring “Tiffffaannnyy” in between bouts of giggles, since I could actually hear how f***** up I sounded over the store’s speakers. Approaching the counter, my sister and girlfriend uncovered the source of their embrassment.

Cue the mortified looks.

6. Black out during the family Easter egg hunt

I’m told that the egg hunt occurred, but have no recollection of it actually taking place.

7. During late-afternoon relaxation, insist that everyone watch the early 90’s hit movie Labyrinth, staring David Bowie

Although they will most likely ignore the film, force your family to watch the “Dance Magic Dance” music sequence. This will put the ultimate ruining touch on the day.

Following these 7 easy steps will ensure a terrible Easter for the entire family. Trust me – there’s nothing worse than the combination of Jesus, sleep deprivation, speed, alcohol and David Bowie in tights.

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