Video Game Powers That Are Much Less Cool In Real Life

From roughly middle school through junior high, meeting and retaining friends can be extremely difficult when you have braces, coke-bottle-thick glasses and absolutely no athletic ability. During this awkward phase of life, superficial qualities outweigh any meaningful character traits as the basis for friendships. Growing up in the early-to-mid 90’s, sporting Jnco jeans, owning Dookie by Green Day, and showing skills in gym class were much higher social priorities than extending kindness and generosity onto others.

For outcasts unable to make the social cut, video games provide a phenomenal escape from the harsh realities of the period. They allow K-mart-clothes-wearing, scottbrundage.com-viewing geeks to become heroes of two-dimensional worlds, opposed to their actual status as fuel for jock aggression. As a member of the visually and athletically-impaired minority, I dreamed of becoming my video game personas in real life.

However, as a 24 year old, analysis of video game abilities applied to the real world presents a much less desirable picture. In reality, the incredible powers of most video game characters would be pretty goddamn frightening and dangerous. Let’s take a look at some of my former heroes to see how their abilities would hold up outside the realm of SNES and Genesis.

Blanka from Street Fighter

Besides being a monstrous, green-skinned, orange-haired freak from Brazil, Blanka can electrocute the shit out of any unfortunate opponents. Awesome, right? Not if you’d ever like to date another human being without accidentally causing their grizzly death. Finding a female attracted to a green baboon will be difficult in and of itself, but adding in the electrocution factor complicates the relationship even further. Check out a most likely scenario:

You settle down to bed with your girlfriend after yet another unfulfilling night of being confined to your apartment, since the public appearance of monsters has a positive correlation to angry mobs with torches and pitchforks. In the middle of the night, you have a horrible nightmare of being defeated in a match by Guile. Upon waking up in the morning, you inhale the scent of burning flesh and hair, look over on the bed, and see the smoldering ashes of your loving companion. Your electrocution power has caused the death of a girlfriend and yet another trip to Bed, Bath & Beyond.

Sonic the Hedgehog

Sonic’s super speed is much cooler in theory than in practice. Besides being able to win an Olympic gold medal for track and field – a sport that most people don’t give two shits about – there aren’t too many benefits of super speed. Travelling and commuting to work for free would be nice, but they’re not exactly spectacular accomplishments.

Sonic’s super speed might also prove problematic when applied to real-world physics. Without the accompanying power of invincibility, running at 120 miles per hour and accidentally slamming into a mailbox would elicit the same result as a ketchup-filled condom being thrown against a brick wall. Paying for a flight or bus ticket can accomplish the same goal as running quickly, minus the potentially exploding body.

Any Character from Mortal Kombat

The abilities of all Mortal Kombat characters are geared towards only two things: mutilation and death. The power to rip out someone’s heart with your bare hands is completely unnecessary in most day-to-day situations. Would you even want to shoot a hook and rope from your hand and pull the victim towards you while screaming “GET OVER HERE”? Although a tempting move to use on coworkers, it’s a surefire way to land a sentence of 25 to life in a maximum security prison. On the plus side though, you’d never have to worry about getting raped in the shower.

Mario from Super Mario Brothers

Mario’s power is his status as an overweight plumber who can jump on shit. With enough greasy food and lack of career initiative, anyone can obtain this useless ability. It does nothing for the advancement of one’s self or society as a whole.

Looking at these powers in a different light, I guess I’ll just stick with my poor vision.