Saved By the Bell: A Character Study

As an adult, when I catch a rerun of Saved By the Bell, I’m astounded by the poor acting, the simplistic plot lines, and the rudimentary production value. But, after all, it was just a teen sitcom that aired on NBC every Saturday morning. And, when I viewed these episodes the first time around, I guess I was too young to pick apart how absurd and cliched the characterization was, or how transparent the storylines were. Nonetheless, when I was ten, it all made sense to me. You know; dorks, jocks, brains, cheerleaders. Everyone in their place, right?

And, I suppose I like to think that I’ve become more refined socially since I graduated from middle school. Sadly, it’s readily apparent how true the “Saved By the Bell” universe was, and how brutally it reflects so many aspects of my life. I’m guessing that the creative geniuses that came up with the idea for this show never could’ve suspected that it’s memory would be forever etched in the brain of every child who grew up in the mid 80s to mid 90s. Because if they had, they wouldn’t have written such ridiculous caricatures of teenagers that we would all use to categorize everyone we met for the rest of our lives.

• Kelly Kapowski- The saddest moment in the entire run of Saved By the Bell was when Kelly’s dad lost his job and Kelly couldn’t afford to buy a dress to go to the prom. Never fear! Zack comes in and saves the day by creating a “prom” in the parking lot. But honestly, Kelly’s real redemption came off-camera, when she looked in the mirror one day and said, “Holy shit! I am so fucking attractive! Whammo!” In real life, “Kelly” is your friend who’s disgustingly good looking, yet not very intelligent. Which also explains why she fell for that dickhead, Brian, out in Hawaii.
• Zack Morris- Zack, while clearly the undisputed hero and subject position of the entire show, was really nothing more than a self-serving shitclown. He possessed the ability to stop time, and what did he use it for? To prevent crime? Try to stop acts of terrorism? Maybe even attempt to catch up on some studying? No, no, and no. He was only concerned with out-maneuvering the crafty and terrifying, Mr. Belding. “Zack” is that friend you have that you would never count on to be there when things are going really badly. Oh, and let’s not forget the episode where he drove everyone home after drinking three beers! In Mrs. Turtle’s car, no less. Fuck you, Zack!
• Samuel “Screech” Powers- Every sitcom needs a character that performs goofy hijinks when the quality of writing falls below even the actor’s standards. Yet, even given that role, it’s impossible not to sympathize with Screech. He’s in love with Lisa, who’s a total bitch to him. His best friend, Zack, uses him continuously as a pawn in the chess game with Slater to see who can finger-bang Kelly first. And, in a cruel twist of pseudo-celebrity irony, he winds up dating Tori Spelling. We all have a friend like this. His name is Charles.
• A.C. Slater- Speaking of Charles, I know how he hates jocks. And Slater certainly seems to be one. His resume speaks volumes: captain of the football team(whose jersey’s have duct tape on them), captain of the wrestling team(look at his penis in those tights!), and obligatory hunk in every locker room scene(look at his penis in those tights!). Still, Slater never struck me as an imposing character. Truthfully, I always liked him. Much in the same way that I like Jeff Reinhardt. If you know Jeff, then you’ll immediately spot the connection between him and A.C. Slater. If you don’t know Jeff, just pick your meatiest friend and call him Jeff. All the same.
• Jessie Spano- Jessie was completely flummoxed when she found out that Zack got a higher score than her on the SATs. As such, she didn’t get into Stansbury, “The Harvard of the West”. And, since she didn’t appear on any of the College Years episodes, nor was she ever mentioned again, we, the faithful viewers of the program, were left to wonder what happened to Ms. Spano. Wonder no more! She moved to Las Vegas, developed a meth habit, and threw away every last article of clothing she owned! Showgirls!! Everyone knows a “Jessie” from high school. It’s the tall, smart, young lady with the impeccable cleavage(that likes to take her clothes off), and spouts an endless cache of wry retorts at her chauvinistic boyfriend.
• Lisa Turtle- Lisa and Zack should’ve hooked up and saved everyone a lot of time. Look, everyone’s aware that Lisa is black and has no one to identify with racially. Irrelevant. Bayside looks like the kind of progressive community that would accept Zack shacking up with an attractive black woman. The real problem with Lisa is that I think she might have been a lesbian. Her lone relationship with a male came when Jessie’s delinquent, yet girlish step-brother, Eric, moved into Jessie’s house and promptly hung a Misfits poster on the wall. But, that was only one episode. Presumably, Eric decided that he’d had enough “Chocolate Mousse” pie, while Lisa was obviously eager to resume being a cunt to Screech. I guess “Lisa” would be your black friend. Or your gay friend who happens to be black.

Chuckblog wonders where www.scottbrundage.com would fit in amongst the pantheon of Saved By the Bell characters?