Interview With A Scoundrel: Gully

Most people try to avoid associating with degenerates, thieves, and liars, but my pal, Gully, is way too entertaining to ignore. A mutual friend of ours once asserted, “I wouldn’t even lend that guy my bike to ride around the block”. A law school graduate who relocated to San Francisco two years ago, Gully was living on $2 a day until he snagged a job with a bike messenger service. In the past year, he was released from the position and collected unemployment from the Federal Government. Even Scottbrundage.com never stooped that low. So let’s see what’s new in the world of “scoundrelling”…

Chuckblog: It’s great to have you for an interview Gully. Care to comment on your current employment status, or rather, lack thereof?

Gully: Work was never for me. I gave her a shot, but we just weren’t right for each other. She was so demanding. She was selfish. Everything had to be on her time. Want to go to the beach for the day? You’d better check with work. Miss a meeting to try out for American Idol? Not “cool” with work. She was always complaining and we fought constantly, so I told work we needed a break. I went to Hawaii for a month, and by the time I came back, we were both ready to move on.

I found a new girl. Her name was Unemployment. We got along much better. She was more concerned with my needs. She was there for me. She understood that some days, I wasn’t going to get out of bed. If I wanted to spend the day at the mall, she was okay with that. She didn’t pressure me like work did. She took my needs into consideration. In fact, I think we were in love.

Only recently have we hit a snag in our relationship. Her father “Government” has decided that I am unambitious and lazy. He doesn’t want his little girl hanging around me. In fact, he won’t let me see her anymore. However, he’s got two other daughters who don’t care what daddy thinks. Sure they aren’t as pretty, but I figure two five’s equals one ten if you can get them at the same time. I see a lot of potential for these two girls. Their names are Food Stamps and Welfare.

Chuckblog: Besides the former love of your financial life – Unemployment – you actually have a real, live girlfriend that seems to be more tolerant than Math Girl. What’s keeping the relationship going?

Gully: That’s a great question. I mean, lets look at the facts: no job, no money, my bed is a mattress on the floor, curtains were bath towels until she got a hold of them, and my room looks and smells like the 9th Ward of New Orleans, post-Katrina. Last month, I played this game where I asked homeless people for money before they asked me, and some bum actually gave me change. He said that I looked like I could use the money.

Obviously I am as shocked as you are that this woman would date me. I have my theories, of course. She’s young and foolish. She hates her dad and is trying to get back at him. Maybe she actually believes it when I tell people I’m working on a novel and that’s why i don’t have a “traditional job”? However, the only insight that I can offer is something that came straight out of her mouth. We were at this really swank bar in San Francisco, and some douche was trying to hit on her. When he found out she was dating me, he asked with disgust, “what are you doing with this guy?” She looked him straight in the eye and said “He fucks me real good!”.

Chuckblog: I’m glad you mentioned your “homeless game”. What’s your take on giving money to the homeless?

Gully: You have to work hard to earn my money. The following is a list of people who almost got me to give them handouts:

• Naked children in Kenya.
• An Indian man covered in sores, screaming loudly while laying in the road on a rainy day.
• A boy who chased my bus a half mile barefoot while I taunted him with a dollar bill.
• Another small boy who agreed to do a ten foot belly-flop into knee-high green sludge. I took pictures, and was conveniently gone when he climbed back up to collect his money.

So as you can imagine, the regular run-of-the-mill homeless don’t get much from me. They all have clothes and they all look well fed. Their two most frequent arguments don’t make any sense to me:

1. “I’m hungry!” Let me let you in on few little secrets aside from soup kitchens: 1) Most major hotels have continental breakfasts where you can easily stock up for the whole day. Those places never know who is staying and don’t even care. 2) Restaurants are legally required to serve you, and can’t turn you away because you look like you can’t pay. The key to this trick is to order a lot and make sure you leave some food on the plate and wine in the glass. People assume you are always coming back for that stuff. Then you just shuffle right out of there.
2. “I’m a vet”. You mean that you get free health care and job preference in governmental work? Thats terrible!

Let’s be honest, we all like to drink and no one likes to work. They are trying to do that for a living. You have to respect them for that. I especially respect the ones who ask you real nicely and then say ‘fuck you’ when you don’t give them money. Finally, if you are going to give, sprinkle the change on the ground and make them pick it up. It really heightens the feeling of moral superiority.

Chuckblog: A cursed magician (Lo Pan?) appears in your room one evening and makes you an offer. $40,000 will be automatically deposited into your bank account every year for the rest of your life, but in turn, you must wear only a flesh-colored body suit whenever clothed (like the one featured below). No exceptions will be made – you must wear the suit to your wedding, parent’s funeral, child’s graduation, etc. The $40,000 will be adjusted annually for inflation. Do you accept the offer?

Gully:If I understand you right, and I think I do, what you are really saying is, “Gully, do you think your net worth will ever be more than 40,000 dollars a year?” because let’s face it, once I accept, I’m never going to have an “outside” job. Furthermore, you are also asking, “is that enough money to accept the fact that you will only hump sea donkeys and hookers for the rest of your life?”. We both know that those are the only slampigs that will let you pigslam them while wearing that outfit. With that being said, I would seriously consider it. I hate work that much.

Chuckblog: I had the honor of obtaining a Bachelor of Arts in Scoundrelling under your tutelage last summer in San Francisco. Thank you again for the opportunity. I learned a wide range of topics, from degrading the homeless to not paying for drinks in bars. In your professional opinion, what is the most important piece of advice for scoundrels in the making?

Gully: The goal of any good scoundrel is to have your friends sitting around years later trying to remember if you had ever bought them a drink. They get to talking, and they realize that not only did you never buy them drinks, but they’ve never even seen you pay for a drink, period. Oh sure, you made a big stink about how you gave them some whiskey from a ziplock bag that you used instead of a flask…but didn’t you just take those things from their house anyway?

Here is a perfect example. Last year, Chuck launched a beer bottle as hard as he could at a homeless guy. He denies it, which I respect, but I was there and he did, in fact, throw the bottle. My feelings were mixed about the situation. He picked a great target; I mean, who cares about homeless people? And the guy clearly wasn’t going to do anything but yell gibberish and shake his fist, but he certainly knew who got him.

The real magic came after that. Two months later, I was out to dinner with a girl who was present during the “chucking”. She was horrified at the time and was now complaining about the incident. She finished by saying, “you know what confuses me the most? That was the meanest thing I had ever seen. I was so mad at the both of you. What I can’t figure out is why I rewarded you and your disciple by buying bacon-wrapped hot dogs for you both after we ran away.” It was at that moment that I was truly proud of Charlie and the progress he had made. A scoundrel should try to live their whole life like that. No one should ever know that they got got till after the getter’s gone.

Thanks for the great interview Gully. Chuckblog wishes you the best with your girls, Food Stamps and Welfare!