Unsuitable Theme Songs for the Life of Chuck: Bon Jovi’s “Wanted Dead or Alive”

Whenever Bon Jovi’s “Wanted Dead or Alive” (WDoA) begins playing over my car radio, I can’t help but slouch down in my seat, commence with the notorious one-handed-steering-wheel-grip, and put on my best Snake Pliskin facial expression.

I mean, who doesn’t feel like a badass when listening to the song? For those of you unfamiliar with the lyrics…

It’s all the same, only the names will change
Everyday it seems we’re wasting away
Another place where the faces are so cold
I’d drive all night just to get back home

[Chorus:]
I’m a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride
I’m wanted dead or alive
I’m a cowboy
Wanted dead or alive

Sometimes I sleep, sometimes it’s not for days
And the people I meet always go their separate ways
Sometimes you tell the day
By the bottle that you drink
And times when you’re alone all you do is think

[Chorus]

I walk these streets, a loaded six string on my back
I play for keeps, ’cause I might not make it back
I been everywhere, and I’m standing tall
I’ve seen a million faces an I’ve rocked them all

I’m a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride
I’m wanted dead or alive
I’m a cowboy, I got the night on my side
I’m wanted dead or alive
And I ride, dead or alive
I still drive, dead or alive
Dead or alive [x4]

Although we might feel like badasses while listening to WDoA, most of us are significantly underqualified to actually be badasses. To prove this assertion, I make it a point to acknowledge the context of my life whenever the song comes on the radio. Three specific instances, each having absolutely no connection to the song’s lyrics, highlight the unsuitability of “Wanted Dead or Alive” as my personal theme song. They include:

1) Driving my parent’s car to the bank to cash in a jar of change. First off, when Bon Jovi was referring to a “steel horse”, I’m pretty sure that he was not alluding to a vehicle that he borrowed from his parents. Secondly, I realize that being a cowboy isn’t the most financially sound profession, but I’m guessing that they don’t save spare change in a jar, eagerly awaiting the day that they can cash it in for a whopping $49.93.

2) En route to returning overdue books to the library. Technically, I was wanted for something, making the song slightly applicable to my situation. However, the Blue Point Library’s 5 cent daily fine usually doesn’t demand that offenders be apprehended while potentially killed in the process.

3) Driving to the dentist for my six-month cleaning. The lyrics “I play for keeps, ’cause I might not make it back” have little applicability while driving to the dentist for a routine cleaning. If there’s any place that I’m sure I will make it back from, it’s the fucking dentist. During this particular instance, I remember drinking a Diet Raspberry Snapple while hearing the lyrics “Sometimes you tell the day, By the bottle that you drink”, which made me wonder what day is indicated by the fruity, calorie-free beverage. I could think of only one possibility: the day that I get my ass kicked by a girl.

Although these are just a few instances of times when WDoA would be a horrendous personal theme song, I’m sure that there are many, many more. The next time that the Bon Jovi hit comes on over the radio, be sure to make a mental note of what mundane, pussy task you’re actually doing. You’ll most likely be in for a humbling surprise.

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