Top 8 Most Inaccurate Car Names

Until recently, I hadn’t owned a car since I was in high school. As such, I hadn’t devoted much attention to the various names and models that we all see on the road, daily. But lately, as I’ve sort of inherited a vehicle that makes other drivers gawk and laugh at me, I’ve become acutely aware that most model names are completely misleading, if not total lies.

1) The Buick Regal- There’s absolutely nothing regal about driving a fucking Buick. In fact, if you’ve purchased a Buick in the hopes of seeming regal, I’m pretty sure that you’ve already resigned yourself to a life of unregalness.  Though, to be fair, perhaps Buick had a different genre of car buyer in mind when they finally decided on Regal. You know, the kind of guy that shows up at the dealership wearing a Burger King crown and a t-shirt that reads: The King of Crappy Car Owners! 

2) The Dodge Dart- Seems like a misnomer on two counts. I’ve never driven a Dart, but the machine seems a bit clunky, like it couldn’t dodge or dart a large building if it had to. It certainly didn’t dodge or dart away from a stupid, repetitious name.

3) The Chevrolet El Camino- El Camino translates from spanish to “the road.” If you want your “road” to translate into “only one passenger and shitty gas mileage,” then this is the car for you. Enjoy riding with your only friend while you both consume the rest of the Earth’s oil resources!

4) The Volkswagen Golf- Who knows what the fuck these crazy Germans were thinking! If you want to sell golf carts to lazy Americans, you have to label them “Golf Cart.” I don’t speak German, but I can pretty much guarantee that Volkswagen Golf doesn’t directly translate into Golf Cart. Which is shamefully misleading. They look like golf carts. And everyone who drives one looks like they play golf.

5) The AMC Gremlin- I swear to God I saw a Gremlin on the road the other day. As a child of the eighties, I instinctually threw water on it to see if was a true Gremlin. Unfortunately, this Gremlin didn’t transform into a tiny, evil monster that reproduces at will and terrorizes small towns during Christmas. Dissapointingly, the car retained it’s same bizzare shape and ridiculous color scheme.

6) The Ford Focus- The irony is that anybody who has any fucking focus at all doesn’t buy a Ford Focus. Are there car buyers who can’t think outside the box and imagine a scenario where they’re still alive three years down the road? Because that’s about the time that your shitty Ford Focus is going to stop running and you’ll be hitching rides to work.

7) The GMC Yukon- The Yukon is a Canadian Territory that lies between the Northwest Territory and Alaska. From my experience, no one who owns or drives a Yukon has ever driven to or been in either Canada or Alaska. The GMC Yukon was designed specifically for trips to Hardee’s and Bed, Bath, and Beyond. Who knew?! The brilliant minds at GMC, that’s who. Sometimes driving through the tree-lined, spacious streets of an American suburb requires a car bigger than your house!

8 ) The Pontiac Firebird- The Firebird might have once been a respectable car in the sixties, during it’s first run. However, for those of us who grew up during it’s 80s and 90s reincarnation period, it was laughable at best.  Slapping a large illustrated bird on the hood of your muscle car made it neither fiery or capable of flight. On the other hand, the car was particularly adept at conjuring mullets, stone-washed jeans, and Bachman-Turner Overdrive cassette tapes.

Chuckblog wonders if www.scottbrundage.com would rather drive a Batmobile or a solid gold Waverunner?