Degenerate Road Trip: Part 1

Yesterday was the official start of my degenerate road trip with Crab. I’m already dry-heaving, which is probably not the best sign, although I’m still optimistic about what’s to come. We’re in San Clemente, CA, where the sun is shining bright in what seems like the Promised Land. Although most people might be out on the beach, we’ve holed ourselves up in a hotel room with the blinds closed, much more interested in watching Jerry Springer, Saved By The Bell, and other such televised masterpieces while nursing our hangovers.

We’ve made a pact to maintain a sense of moral integrity during the trip, so we kick off each morning with a confessional and Bible reading. The confessional consists of Tom instructing me to “Tell me your sins my son”, to which I admit all the bad things that I’ve done in the recent past. After my laundry list of offenses is verbalized and Tom states “your sins are forgiven”, he picks up the Bible, turns to a random page, and points to a passage in a similarly meaningless fashion. He reads the passage and we draw from its wisdom.

This morning his finger landed on a section from the book of Proverbs, Chapter 24, Verses 3-4, which reads:

Through wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; By knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches.

Indeed, this trip is a journey to attain wisdom and understanding. And if I’ve learned anything so far on our voyage, it’s that I want all the rooms in my house to be filled with riches. Like, a shit load of riches. Furthermore, my riches must be only of the precious and pleasant variety. So, we’re off to a good start with the Lord.

Life on the road can be pretty taxing, and the last thing we need is a deficiency of essential nutrients like vitamin C. In an effort to raise awareness concerning the ongoing scurvey epidimic sweeping the nation, we’ve made it our personal cause to consume at least one vodka and cranberry juice each morning after confessional and Bible reading. This particular cause enables us combat the horrifying effects of scurvey while simultaneously allowing us to conquer another illness that inflicts millions of Americans: sobriety.

Then we turn on the television and watch shirtless rednecks compete in a spelling bee to win the heart of a grotesque, scantilly clad woman on the Jerry Springer Show.

Yesterday, we did actually make it to the beach where we lasted at least 5 minutes before we wandered across the street to purchase several cans of Sparks. Then, we settled down on the sand with our malted energy drinks and discussed a wide range of important topics:

• Interplanetary Alien/Human Relations
• Similarities Between Women’s Bathing Suits and Women’s Underwear
• The Undeniable Importance of Both Women’s Bathing Suits and Women’s Underwear 
• How Come That Asshole Gets to Drive on the Beach?
• Should I Go Jump Off the Pier?

Although neither of us did jump off the pier, I think it’s safe to assume that Scottbrundage.com would. After leaving the beach, we continued consuming alcohol for the next 13 hours at various establishments, namely a bar called Goody’s. As in, Goody-Goody Gumdrops. Soon enough, we mysteriously teleported to the bar next door without realizing it, where we met up with Heather. I met Heather on myspace via my pal Gerry No Game, and she was super cool - simply for tolerating our rambling jibberish. Thanks Heather! I’d say it was a successful start to the trip.