Degenerate Road Trip: Final Reflection

Tommy dropped me off in Fairfax VA yesterday afternoon, putting an official end to our degenerate cross-country road trip. Getting out of the Silver Chariot, I fought to hold back the tears welling in my eyes – caused by the realization that our journey had finally reached its conclusion. I think Tommy felt the same way. He opened up the car window while driving off, gave me the finger and screamed a string of obscenities. All was right in the world.

Although we weren’t able to post much during our adventure, there were many memorable occurrences on the road. 100 to be specific! Check em:

1. Drinking sparks on the beach in San Clemente.
2. Confessing my sins to Tommy each morning in CA.
3. Hearing Tommy read bible passages aloud after confession.
4. Watching Jerry Springer while cowering under the covers in a dark hotel room in CA.
5. Sneaking into a Blues Festival at the age of 24.
6. Getting caught sneaking into a Blues Festival at the age of 24.
7. Watching Tommy accidentally urinate himself on the beach in San Clemente. While sober.
8. Cruising around San Clemente while listening to the Brian Jonestown Massacre.
9. Attending an Angels versus Dodgers game without having any clue of what was going on.
10. Dinner with the Howell family, including the infamous Grumpy Grandpa (who didn’t turn out so grumpy after all).
11. Talking to Heather for 2 hours in a bar, and not remembering any of the conversation the next day. “So Heather, do you know insert name here?” “Um Chuck, we talked about that last night” “Whoops, sorry again!”.
12. “Go on, give it a jiggle!” (in a British accent). Our official trip motto.
13. Gambling redemption in Vegas.
14. Driving through the desert.
15. Watching Tommy heckle tourists on the Hoover Dam by yelling “HOLY SHIT! LOOK AT THAT BRIDGE!”.
16. Looking out for donkeys with horns in the desert.
17. Hiking to a cliff and jumping into a freezing cold pool of water in Flagstaff. Oh wait, that sucked!
18. Challenging Tommy to a who-can-go-the-longest-without-showering contest.
19. Lasting one week in the who-can-go-the-longest-without-showering contest.
20. Watching Tommy go the entire three weeks without showering.
21. Going into Mike Smith’s place of employment and attempting to interact with his coworkers while we were the opposite of sober.
22. Doing the same thing two nights later.
23. Getting free food everywhere we went in Flagstaff.
24. Refusing to follow Mike Smith underneath a bridge below a road in Flagstaff to drink cans of Sparks before entering a bar. What the fuck does this look like Mike? Billy Goat’s Gruff?!
25. Getting free t-shirts from Paul at Pay-N-Take. Yeah, you know, the guy who could talk Hitler out of the Holocaust. “Hey, hey, Adolf…Come on bud, the Jews aren’t so bad. What size shirt are you pal? You want a drink?”
26. Getting in some great altitude training in Flagstaff.
27. Sike.
28. Living with an Irish Olympic Qualifier and his miniature donkey for a whole week.
29. Living with an American Olympic-Qualifier-hopeful and his intergalactic battle station for a whole week.
30. Living with a Man-ape for a whole week.
31. Asking the Irish Olympic Qualifier if “Duck Tales” aired in Ireland when he was a child. It did!
32. Hiding under the covers with Tommy and Mike Smith (obviously in the same bed), to protect us from the 6 feet of snow that fell in Flagstaff. Anytime someone would get up, we’d scream “GET BACK HERE, WHAT’RE YOU THINKING YOU SUICIDAL MANIAC!!!”.
33. Playing ‘Punk Rock Girl” by the Dead Milkmen over and over again on Mike Smith’s computer.
34. Attending a Hippie party in Flagstaff, AZ. Complete with a drum circle and women sporting armpit hair.
35. Hearing Tommy scream “HOLY FUCK!” at the top of his lungs upon seeing a group of hippies playing hackey sack in downtown Flagstaff. Can the town’s residents do anything more to fulfill the place’s stereotype? I don’t think so.
36. Seeing a coffee mug in a candy store in Flagstaff that read “We can send a man to the moon, but we can’t e-mail chocolate?!” It was quite possibly the most moronic attempt at humor since Gallagher’s watermelon-smashing antics.
37. Dancing like we dropped E at 80’s night at the Green Room.
38. Getting into a scoundrelling war with a dude named ‘Cletus’ at 80’s night. I accidentally bumped into some dumb redneck named Cletus and he started to pick a fight with me. I apologized and he suggested that I buy him a beer to make up for it. The minute I bought the man a beer I realized that it was all a con to get a free drink, so I demanded one back in return. After another potential near brawl with the goat-man, he finally caved and returned the favor. Gully, remember Cletus’s trick for future reference.
39. Having two lesbians ask if we were gay, based solely on dance moves.
40. Tommy ‘accidentally’ walking off with a girl’s license at 80’s night.
41. Chillin at Pay-N-Take with my dog, Anthony.
42. Drinking at a bar alone in Flagstaff, assuming people would meet up with me. When no one did, I soon found myself alone and stumbling down the streets at 3am. I called Mike Smith and he got out of bed to pick me up. Great friend. I then pushed the boundaries of our friendship by falling over furniture in his house and ‘accidentally’ kicking a wall – waking up the Olympians preparing for the most challenging competition in the history of sports. The next day they asked if we had a party, because “it sounded like you guys each brought girls home”. Nah dogs, just me.
43. Waking up the morning after 80’s night with a perfect lipstick stain imprint on my Sonic Youth t-shirt, and having absolutely no clue where it came from.
44. Trying to make out with Jenny whenever I saw her, but being rejected each and every time. Damn Jenny, that was cold-bloooded!.
45. Asking for a pink lemonade at a wine bar – a drink which contains alcohol – and being served a non-alcoholic, yellow lemonade. The waitress put it down and said “uh, yeah, the bartender made this lemonade. Sorry, it’s not a pink lemonade”. Puzzled, I asked “So, uh, does this one have alcohol?” to which she responded “No. Is that OK?”. I agreed to take the lemonade, putting aside the fact that this woman knowingly brought me the wrong drink, since I thought it was awesome for a bar to hire mentally handicapped employees.
46. Calling Mocku and making him explain the “Double Stack” to Jenny over the phone.
47. Watching Tommy wear a hat that had fur and wolf ears to dinner and a bar. He officially become “Wolf-Donk” for the rest of the trip.
48. Saying the word ‘donkey’ about 300-400 times over the course of the journey.
49. Saying the term ‘motherfucking rape party’ about 300-400 times over the course of the journey.
50. Passing the orange vomit bucket (aka- Mike Smith’s garbage can) back and forth with Tommy.
51. Taking credit for cleaning the vomit bucket when Mike Smith asked me who cleaned it the next day. Gotem.
52. Asking Mike Smith to summarize his experience hosting us, which he could only respond with, “Everyday…vomit…vomit”.
53. Threatening to kick the shit out of two college kids who were taping “scenes from Flagstaff’s nightlife” with a video camera. They got footage of us being denied entry into a bar and who knows what other mumbo-jumbo that came out of our mouths.
54. Crowding around the photo-hunt video game at a bar for what seemed like hours. Mike Smith looked around at one point and said “People are staring at us and think we’re insane” to which Tommy responded, “I don’t care, I’ll stay here all fucking NIGHT!”.
55. Wondering how the Pizza Hut in Pecos, Texas could have ever passed a sanitation inspection.
56. Arriving in Austin, to be greeted 3.cm, Salad, shots of Jim Bean and a case of Lone Star beer.
57. Watching Saladadd to the garbage in his front yard by throwing beer cans, shattering the Jim Bean bottle, and launching eggs onto the lawn.
58. Eating at a Mexican restaurant in Austin where no one spoke a word of English. I got a huge carnitas burrito, chips, and a can of Tecate. Price – 5 bucks and change.
59. Being denied entry – along with Salad- into a bar on 6th street.
60. Performing a homo-erotic, shirtless dance routine with Salad on stage in a bar. The next day, 3.cm told me that two people actually left the establishment after viewing the dance equivalent of “Faces of Death”.
61. Watching a random girl throw rocks at Salad’s ass on a bar patio. He requested that she do this to him. The bouncers were puzzled.
62. Playing nude male photo-hunt with Tommy, Salad, and 3.cm.
63. Mocking a girl for wearing a “What would GG Allin do?” t-shirt.
64. After the girl wearing the “What would GG Allin do?” t-shirt told us that she’s originally from Philly, I immediately called Mocku to test her Philly knowledge. Because, ya know, it’s really uncommon for someone from one major city to move to another major city in their 20’s.
65. Getting the number of the girl wearing the “What would GG Allin do” t-shirt, but not calling her!GOMEZ!!!
66. Turning gay bars into straight bars, and straight bars into gay bars in Austin. (Courtesy of Mike)
67. Eating at the hippest diner in the world. Possibly the universe.
68. Cruising around Austin in a Jeep Wrangler with the top off.
69. Hiking to Sea Donkey Cove.
70. Swimming in Sea Donkey Cove.
71. Sitting on the sacred Sea Donkey Rock, located in Sea Donkey Cove.
72. Sleeping on the floor, cuddled up next to a dog with fleas.
73. Helping Mike name the dog with fleas Lord Anubis. Pronounced An-you-bis.
74. Watching Mike and Salad repeatedly threaten Lord Anubis’s life.
75. Eating genuine Texas BBQ.
76. Getting pulled over in Texas for speeding and only given a warning. The dumb cop made me step out of the car to ask me if my license, which clearly states “New York State Driver License”, was an identification card or a driver license. I had no clue what the hell he was talking about, so merely pointed to the words “DRIVER LICENSE” on the card. It was at that point that he realized a ticket would be out of line, considering the fact that his mental retardation was no longer a secret.
77. Watching Tommy lose a chugging contest to a woman. In his defense, this woman resembled Jabba the Hut, but with full-sleeve tattoos. The female bartender at this place in Austin challenged Tommy to the feat of drinking strength, but then went into a back room and uncaged the beast to take him on in the challenge. I don’t think God, Herself, could have defeated this creature in a chugging contest. Tommy never stood a chance.
78. Planning on stopping in Nashville, TN to get a good night of sleep for our final leg of the trip, but mysteriously winding up in a casino in Tunica, Mississippi.
79. Hearing Tommy scream “Security!” Rick-James-Dave-Chappelle-style whenever our blackjack dealer would actually yell ‘Security!’ in response to his card table antics.
80. Watching Tommy walk around to roulette tables like Jojo the Idiot Circus Boy, throwing away his winnings on black or red.
81. Singing “Our God is an Awesome God” on the ride to Raleigh.
82. Getting yelled at by Tommy for touching the radio in the car.
83. Getting yelled at by Tommy for touching the glove compartment in the car.
84. Getting yelled at by Tommy for touching anything in the car.
85. Getting yelled at by Tommy for playing Plastic Little on my Ipod.
86. Getting yelled at by Tommy for falling asleep while he was driving.
87. Getting yelled at by Tommy for asking to drive.
88. Getting yelled at by Tommy for not driving enough.
89. Getting yelled at by Tommy for driving too fast.
90. Getting yelled at by Tommy for driving too slow.
91. Getting yelled at by Tommy for asking to stop for food.
92. Getting yelled at by Tommy for asking to stop to pee.
93. Not getting yelled at by Tommy whenever he was asleep in the car.
94. Detoxifying our bodies and souls with the Howell family in Raleigh, NC.
95. Participating in a Mike Tyson’s Punch Out competition. Damn that Soda Popinski!!!!
96. Watching Tommy lose to Soda Popinkski in the third round after talking so much shit.
97. Attending a little fiesta at the Howell residence, clearly in my honor.
98. Convincing Tommy’s 6-year-old nephew that I can magically transform myself into a miniature donkey, but only in Flagstaff, AZ.
99. Competing in a trivial pursuit game with the brilliant, yet ruthless Howell family. My team lost though…sorry Doctor Dan and Robbie
100. Getting home and never having to see Tommy again.

There you have it folks. I’d like to personally thank the following entities for their contribution to my experience:

Salad and Mike – you guys know how to make a couple of donkeys happy. Jim bean, beer, cheap food, fleabag dogs, good music, Sea Donkey Cove, slampigs, and much, much more.

Jenny – free food and good company. Maybe next time you’ll accept my advances to make out!

Scottbrundage.com – just knowing that you would still be around on the internet when we arrived home got us through those long drives.

Mike Smith – you’re a true Gibraltar Girl and contrary to popular belief, we love you more than you can ever imagine.

Smirnoff Tripled Distilled Vodka – we also love you more than you can ever imagine.

Doctor Dan and Miss Jan – the trip would have never happened without you guys. I wish my parents would disown me so that you guys can adopt me? (Hi Mom!)

Tommy, Crab, Donkey – at dinner in San Clemente, Miss Jan asked me “I know Tommy is funny, but why do you consider him a friend?!”. The road trip helped to explain the paradox. For instance…At the casino in Tunica, I had lost all my alloted gambling funds in blackjack and couldn’t possibly take out more cash to keep playing. Tommy was also down, but still had a decent stack. He looked over and saw that I was finished, split up his stack of chips, and gave me a pile even bigger than the one he left for himself. Tommy, you’re a true friend who’s there for his buddies when they’re down. That, or a degenerate gambler who doesn’t want to sit at a table alone. Either way, thanks for the great time and I hope I don’t see you anytime within the next 2 months.

Chuckblog is back!!!!11111GOMEZ!!!!!!!!!