Iron Man Review: B-

I just got back from seeing Iron Man and I have to admit, I’m slightly disappointed. I thought the casting was great – Robert Downey Jr., Jeff Bridges and Gwyneth Paltrow all kicked dicks in – the story was entertaining, the soundtrack was tight (I expected more of the cliche Sabbath song), and the CGI was nearly seamless. So what’s the problem?

Ridiculous product placements, that’s what.

Half the time I wasn’t sure if I was watching Iron Man or a fucking Audi commercial. I mean, seriously? Were all those cheap Audi plugs really that necessary? I realize the high cost of producing a major motion picture, especially one with as much effects as a Marvel production, but do they really justify turning the film into a glorified infomercial? It came off almost as tacky as all the Scottbrundage.com links on Chuckblog.

I can’t leave out the incredible Burger King product placement. For anyone who hasn’t seen the film yet, Tony Stark (aka- Iron Man) gets kidnapped and held captive for 3 months by a character portraying Osama Bin Laden’s bald, mentally-handicapped cousin. When Stark finally breaks free and makes it back to the States, he demands two things: an American cheeseburger and a press conference (to tell the world that his company will no longer manufacture weapons). While walking to the press conference, he’s handed a fucking Burger King bag. At this point, we have to painfully watch as Stark eats a genuine “American cheeseburger”. Could you imagine being held captive in the mountains of Afghanistan for 3 months, then demanding an American cheeseburger and being handed Burger King? Screw the terrorists – I’d devote the rest of my life to killing whatever dumb bastards were behind the culinary atrocity.

Oh wait, the fun hasn’t stopped yet! At the start of the press conference, Stark actually takes out another Burger King cheeseburger! At that point, I realized what deadly foe would ultimately defeat Iron Man in future sequels – cholesterol.

Apparently, the jokester behind Iron Man’s financing couldn’t stop at Audi and Burger King. They went out of their way to find the most idiotic, gay invention, and then demand that it be used by the villain. If you haven’t guessed already…

That’s right, Obadiah Stane, the main villian, rides a Segway at one point of the film. The scene is only about 5 seconds long but it’s clear as day. Judging by the characters ease in riding the thing it’s also clear that he’s had quite a bit of practice on the pathetic contraption. A word of advice to producers and directors: never, ever put a character who is supposedly evil on a Segway scooter. The effect will be completely lost. Imagine Hannibal Lector riding a Segway in Silence of the Lambs. Holy shit, just contemplating the scenario made me never want to see the classic again.

Although Iron Man had its pluses, marketing made me never want to see the film again. Actually, it might be fun to purchase on DVD and use as a drinking game. Every time an Audi grill pops up on screen everyone must take a shot. Unfortunately, I think it would only lead to death via blood alcohol poisoning.

Iron Man, you get a B-.

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